Monday, 13 August 2012

How to be British....a guide for those who are not

In my previous post, I offered a mere glimpse of the different ways you can act, that will enable you to slip right into the middle of society as the average citizen of Great Britain. So here I am, elaborating on this point. Follow these very simple rules and you will fit right in, whatever you look like. That's the joy of living within a united kingdom.

1. Drink tea
And lots of it. You must always always keep your house well stocked, whether you like it or not (although if you don't like it, pretend you do as you aren't seen as truly British, unless you are drinking it) as it is actually an arrestable offence to not have any on offer to guests. It will always be there for you...to offer you comfort if you are cold, stressed, upset or angry. Or just add to your happiness if you are meeting a friend or want to enjoy a good book.
 
There is one type of tea and one type only that is acceptable and that is your normal breakfast tea. None of this green or herbal rubbish that smells so good but is disappointing in taste. With breakfast tea you know exactly what you have got.
 
Also remember you must offer a variety of containers to the people you are providing with tea. For example, you will need a thermos flask for journeys, teacups for hot days and posh company, mugs for cold days, close friends and stressful moments....etc etc

2. Complain about the weather
Whether this is a comment to your friend/family member or a random stranger, it doesn't matter - no rules apply. You can complain about whatever you like - whether its raining, sunny, windy, snowing...although, lets be honest, it's mostly going to be about the rain, isn't it?

3. Learn to tut
This simple little noise can convey so much disgust and hatred and coupled with a hard stare can reduce your recipient to the size of a small ant.

4. Complain about the prices of everything
Inflation has been on the rise for the past few years which hasn't affected the average Brit that much but we have noticed it when we have had to pay for things (be this chocolate or the electricity bill or whatever...). As I work in a shop, I am on the receiving end of this particular British trait on a daily basis. I think people believe that if they have enough of a go at the cashier, she will cry, pass on the criticisms to the manager who will then change the prices. But it doesn't work and the complaints only go as far as the crying assistant and she can't do anything about it. So leave her alone.
Letter writing is a very effective way of complaining and one which the British enjoys quite a lot. The art of a well written complaint letter needs to be well practiced and, if done right, can result in Britain's second most favourite thing, free stuff!.

5. Blame the Americans...
...for pretty much anything that goes wrong. Whether it is the economy or the TV shows that are supposedly encouraging obesity in our teens, it is definitely not our fault. Definitely not.

6. Ignore everyone around you as much as possible
The British have a bit of a habit of looking down on almost everyone who are around them. Therefore do not expect them to move out of your way on the pavement or chat to you while they sit on the tube or the bus. If you do manage to strike up a conversation, the safest bet is to comment on the rubbish weather - our love of complaining overrides everything else.

7. Enjoy all royal events
If you want a republic go to America...we love the queen - well, most of us do. That is all.

8. Love to queue
And if you don't love it, learn to love it. Because you will be doing a lot of it. Also, it's very important to learn the art of slyly managing to push in without anyone noticing. Although be careful, if not executed properly this could end in a punch up.

9. Learn sarcasm and irony
Even if you can't say any yourself, you do need to learn to understand it. Otherwise you will not find us funny at all.

10. And finally...drive a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer then, on the way home grab an Indian curry, eating it on Swedish furniture watching American shows on a Japanese tv. And, of course, always be suspicious of anything foreign.

Like what I say?

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