Sunday, 28 October 2012

HELP!

As a hugely underconfident person, I need people. People (specifically my close friends and family) keep me sane. And they affect me in huge ways, often without even knowing it. Sometimes for good and sometimes for bad. I am the first to admit, I read into things far too much The reason I do it, is to protect myself and does actually make me quite a good judge of character, but I probably end up freaking myself out more which makes me more and more upset.

I try so hard not to care...specifically not to care about what others think of me and not to care about people I shouldn't. But it's so hard. The way I am made I can't do it. I will literally do anything for my friends. I always put them first and, if one of them wants to meet up or needs me in some way, I will drop everything to do as they want: whether that's academic work or whatever... whereas they wouldn't necessarily do the same for me. So I feel like I should stop doing that but I can't because I have this ingrained instinct to try and please everyone at my own expense.

And another problem I have...is falling in love with my male friends. Well, I say falling in love, I don't really know what love is. But anyway...whatever, I need to stop doing that. Because friends are normally off limits aren't they? And I have done it so many times. And I don't know why. It doesn't make sense because I know they are unavailable/out of bounds and they know what an idiot I am, so why do I put myself through this? All the time.

What I hate more than anything is waiting for people. People who are ultimately going to let me down in some way or another. People who will organise to meet up and then go back on it. People who say they want to do something and then don't have time to. So I am going to stop waiting and relying on other people and live my own life the way I want to. Do what I want to do when I want to do it. Whether that's something as small as going to the cinema or as big as going travelling or moving. Is the only person I can rely on, myself? Or am I going to end up lonely? Time will tell...

Like what I say? (And I promise it's normally not as emotional as this)

And if you have any answers for me...please comment below...much appreciated =]

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