For about the past year now I have been blogging at least twice a week. I have started a number of features and I have watched my followers grow. A little. All very positive. Until about a month ago when I had a bit of a meltdown.
I realised that I HATED blogging.
It was a chore. I hated doing it, I hated the way it looked, I hated what I was writing and how I was writing it. I hated that my stats were still miniscule, I hated that I was addicted to looking at stats, I hated that I was stressing about them. I hated other bloggers for having better blogs than mine. And, most of all, I hated that I was hating my blog.
That's a whole lot of hate.
Following my meltdown (there was a lot of snot involved), my Dad said simply 'So quit.'
And my response was 'I don't want to.'
This is true. I didn't want to. The blogging world has been my home for the past (almost) four years and I don't actually hate blogging. I love that my writing is out there and being read by at least a few people, even if it isn't by as many people as I would like.
But I couldn't go on feeling like this. Therefore I am in the process of making some changes:
Firstly, I have given my blog a bit of a prune. I have deleted all the posts that I didn't like which included all the features that I had introduced in the past year. These were part of the problem and updating those features on the specific day were what made me start feeling like it was a chore. I have removed them and I am pleased to say that I am once more proud of all the articles I have on here.
Secondly, I have stopped reading blogs. I love reading other blogs so this is a bit of a shame but at the moment I am not feeling very good about myself. It will only make me jealous that so-and-so has much better photography than me, or so-and-so's layout is stunning. And I can't cope with that right now. I am thinking of all my blogger buddies though and hope their blog is still looking fabulous.
Thirdly, my frequency. This is the main one. I have really stripped back and, for a while at least, I am only going to blog if and when I reallyyyyy feel like it. I am not paid to blog, I have no responsibility to blog every week if I don't want to. So I am just going to take it easy and give myself a bit of a break. Blogging guilt is a thing that happens to most people whether they use blogging as a career or a hobby. And it is something which I have to fix.
Considering how much time I have spent on my blog, I want to enjoy it and be proud of it. And, with these changes, I am slowly heading back towards that point.
When I was considering giving up last month, I made myself remember the reasons I started blogging in the first place. None of those were because I wanted to reach 1000 followers or get invited to London Fashion Week or get emailed a book to review every other week. It was because I wanted to display my writing and creativity to the world. I wanted to touch people and talk about stuff I was interested in. And I wanted to have an easily accessible portfolio of writing I was proud of.
It is extremely unlikely that I am going to make a career out of blogging and maybe 6 months ago that would have upset me. But it shouldn't. It means that I can post what I want, when I want. It gives me more freedom! Which is just as well...there is so much more I want to say. So there's no way I am done with the blogging world yet.
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